JUNE 3, 2024 – Leaving active duty military service is an exciting time. When the day arrives and the DD Form 214, Report of Separation is handed to the veteran, there is a celebration of time in service and handshakes and hugs all around.
Many servicemembers and their families dream of having the freedom to do all the things that are made more difficult by traditional active duty military life: spend time with family, travel, explore hobbies, get a new job, or start your own business — the options are endless and opportunity is waiting. So, why does research show that recently transitioned military servicemembers are at a higher risk for suicide than other veterans?
What is the “Deadly Gap?”
It’s called the “Deadly Gap” and refers to the year immediately following leaving active duty military life. It’s so named because veteran suicides nearly double during this time.
As a military spouse working with military families departing active duty military life, I’ve found that servicemembers and their families either have a detailed plan in place, a list of dreams to fulfill, or they tell me they’ll figure it out as they go. There is no “right way” to transition and all three versions of what comes next are valid.
Unfortunately, very few military families realize how devastating the complicated feelings that arise from departing active duty military life and transitioning to becoming a civilian can be for the servicemember, the spouse, and the children. It can be a time of discovery and joy but also a time of loss.
Call it What it is — Grief
When I hear military spouses or veterans describe how they feel after transition, the best way to describe it is to use the word grief. Grief is a complex world of emotions that manifest in many ways like anger, anxiety, sadness, depression, and withdrawal.
Many times this grief is associated with the loss of an identity, purpose or mission, and community. Active duty military life is like no other experience. Veterans may feel like they no longer have a place where they make a difference and are understood by others. Many might regret leaving the military or feel anger that the promised support is not there.
Most of us have not been taught how to process or even recognize grief. It can exhibit as emotional, physical, and behavioral changes and if not addressed can turn into more complicated mental health challenges that lead to high suicide rates noted during the “Deadly Gap.” Very few servicemembers know what to do with these feelings and resort to “sucking it up,” berating themselves for not just getting over it, feeling shame that they don’t feel the anticipated joy, and wondering what is wrong with them.
This is when veterans can feel the most alone. Transition brings changes to healthcare, living situations, professional lives, and finances. Barriers to the right kind of care contribute to the veteran or spouse not knowing what to do next. Instead of seeing possibilities for their future, they see emptiness and loneliness.
Military Families Feel it Too
These transition emotions are experienced by many but rarely talked about. In some surveys, over 60% of post-9/11 veterans say they had difficulty adjusting to civilian life. Just like the veteran, military spouses and children are also facing an extreme change in their daily lives and structures during this time, too – in addition to suicide rates going up during the “Deadly Gap,” divorce rates skyrocket as well.
While family members may not face direct combat, they have lived parallel lives with their servicemember and experienced it all from a different perspective. This includes the feelings of loss of identity, purpose, and community that are experienced during transition.
Military families are typically held to the standard of being resilient, but a new conversation needs to be started with transition. This conversation makes it okay to admit that change is hard. It makes it okay to say that you feel lonely and lost. It makes it okay to say that you don’t know who to talk to or how to fix it. And it makes it okay to acknowledge that your mental health is struggling with transition change.
Speaking Up
Mental health symptoms manifest themselves in several ways, but they are almost always noticeable to the people closest to the servicemember.
Watch for changes in moods and behavior such as extreme mood swings, confusion or inability to concentrate, excessive fears, or guilt. You may also see abuse of alcohol or drugs or an increase in risky behavior.
The hardest part for the loved ones seeing this struggle is speaking up and saying something. The fear is that it will trigger the servicemember or cause them to withdraw even more. If they are struggling and you point it out, it may feel more like scrutiny or an attack. Many fear speaking out to their servicemember will cause them to do something extreme in response.
If you notice your servicemember acting unusual during this time, do not brush it off. Find a way to approach them and remind them that you come from a place of love and care.
Resources Available
It’s never too early to seek professional help regarding your own mental health, or the mental health of a loved one.
One option is to contact your veteran’s primary care manager at the VA. The United States Department of Veterans Affairs also has a National Center for PTSD. Additional resources worth checking out include the Disabled Veterans National Foundation and the Wounded Warrior Project.
There are also many nonprofit organizations dedicated to military mental health:
- The Expiration Term of Service (ETS) Sponsorship Program, is a non-profit that supports those transitioning from military to civilian life. The ETS Sponsorship Program is available in communities nationwide and actively partners with the Veterans Administration (VA) and the Department of Defense (DoD).
- Military One Source has a benefits finder for Health Care & Emotional well-being and includes nearly 60 resources.
- Give an Hour which has a specialized approach to emotional well-being for the military community.
- A personal favorite is Cohen Veterans Network is designed for post-9/11 veterans and their mental health, providing a nationwide network of mental health clinics.
- The Elizabeth Dole Foundation is specifically designed to cater to the mental health needs of military and veteran caregivers.
- The Veteran’s Spouse Project empowers active duty and veteran spouses to share their unique experiences through writing projects, art, and creative outlets.
- SpouseLink by AAFMAA is a network of active duty military spouses across the country that host and participate in military and related events, connecting with members of their local communities throughout the year, in-person and online.
- And finally, as a transition expert dedicated to supporting military spouses, MilSpouse Transition is an up-and-coming resource designed to help with the transition journey.
This is the time of year we associate with holidays and awareness campaigns centered on patriotism, military appreciation and mental health awareness. As a military spouse, I encourage you to show your appreciation to our veterans, servicemembers, spouses, and military children by reducing the stigma and shame associated with mental health challenges and start the conversations to make sure they are ok.
If you or a loved one is in crisis, please call, text, or chat 988. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for people in distress.
Anna Larson is the Founder of MilSpouse Transition and a military spouse transition expert providing guidance, resources, and support for military families transitioning out of active duty military life. She mentors transitioning military spouses as an ambassador for SpouseLink. Her family lived at duty stations in Europe, Africa, and the United States. Now, as a retired military family, they take every opportunity to be outdoors and experience all that life on the “other side” has to offer.